11/22/11:
If you believe in Karma... then I somehow have earned/deserve to be this alone. If you believe in Karma... then all that has happened in the last few years are/were some cosmic payback for a youth misspent or some deep seeded evil that I have committed.
The problem is... if I am meant to learn something from this... I would really love to know what. Now I know I was not a saint in my youth... but for the life of me I cannot recall being inherently evil. I never picked on the weaker kids; in fact, I usually defended them when the bullies would pick on them. I never deliberately hurt anyone. I really did try to do the right thing most of the time. Not that I was ever quite sure what the right thing was, but I tried.
The times I fucked shit up... well, I made some bad choices... but I truly made an effort to correct and make up for those choices. In the last 20 yrs or so... I’ve really worked hard at doing the right thing, worked at taking care of anyone that needed or asked anything of me. Most times to the detriment of me. So... now, with everything taken away in the last couple years... I find myself standing alone and really lost and unsure of any direction to go in.
I’m not complaining, really I’m not… I just kind of wonder what the universe is trying to tell me... My heart hurts... and feels broken... but can’t find a soul to reach out to. I keep hearing that I suck, that I don’t give enough, and that I am stupid, evil and uncaring... Is this true? I gave all I had. I worked crazy hours; I gave to anyone that asked. I stood by, didn’t walk away from any of my responsibilities... What did I miss? What more should I have done that I failed to do? And I hear its everything... every choice I made, everything I did was wrong. I should have done better. I should have done more.
So, here we are approaching the big holiday season… everyone is making plans for family dinners and get togethers... I used to so look forward to this time of year.. to cook for everyone, share a meal, I would work so hard at putting together a great meal.. This year, I have nobody to cook for, share with.. so I will make a few desserts to donate to a meal for strangers.. But really can’t even afford that.
The people that I tried so hard to take care of over the years, well. they have no use for me anymore... I have lost my ability to provide for them.
The universe took away my precious boy... I will always, always wonder what I could have done to help him... to prevent the loss of him... I worked to repair the relationship with a step son that I had lost a connection with... The universe took him too... I have watched as my beautiful girl has fallen apart and fallen into denial of her symptoms, not getting the help she needs to put herself back together... I stand by helplessly and just try to pick up what pieces I can... I never did get to repair the damaged relationship between me and my mother... now the universe has removed her also...
The work ethic I was so proud of... the effort I put into a stupid job... well that’s now gone... as it seems I was disposable and was disposed of... the man I spent 20 years with... and stood behind, stayed with hoping that someday.. he’d show me an ounce of affection if I worked hard enough... stayed with and supported… decided that I was not good enough when I lost my ability to provide for everyone... and just walked away... again.. disposing of me... and invalidating everything I thought I was doing for him and his family. Seems they didn’t feel I did enough either.
I sit here, day after day... staring at this stupid computer... I find some connection to life through seeing others lives on social networks and message boards... but realize I am not a part of any of it. That in the end... I am not deserving of anything but standing on the outside looking through the windows.
I want to stay positive. I want to believe that in the end.. there will be something good to come of all this. I really just want to find some peace. I want peace for my daughter.. for her to see her insanity and get treatment. To see that she is hurting herself and stop… I want good things, even for people that are out there on their own. My sister’s children that are lost, and have been hurtful, I wish for them to find their way.
I’d like to find a life.. I’d like to manage some semblance of normalcy.. I don’t really believe I’ll get it. I look for the escape hatch. The magic button to push that’s going to just let me out of this life. But, there must be something I have left to do… I just don’t know what that is. I love, but can’t touch for some reason. It hurts to reach out and feel slapped back, so I don’t.
I’m not a praying woman, at least not in the sense that there is some supreme being up in the sky.. Some all knowing benevolent god that is going to grant my wishes. The world, the universe, natural energy, whatever.. seems to have left me, or maybe it was just never with me. However, I pray, if that’s the word you want to use, to whatever forces of nature are there.. that the people I love and have loved (even if I was not worthy of them as they believe) that are left, have good things put in front of them.
As the winter solstice approaches and the darkest time of the year returns to the light.. I truly wish for light to come to those that need it most. And if there’s a little left over for me, it would be great.
